Petr Polcar

God knows I can’t stand football. This ridiculous and degenerate excuse for a sport is a hideous symbol of the pervasive human idiocy I have witnessed throughout my life. It wouldn’t be so bad if I hadn’t also followed the professional career of my friend Cristiano Ronaldo—whom commentators yesterday described as “past it” and “a grumpy old man.” If you ask me, football fans ought to undergo psychiatric evaluations. The treatment Cristiano Ronaldo has received throughout his professional career has been utterly unacceptable, and I have therefore decided to punish football in Portugal. It is sad that the Portuguese people will now witness the slow decline of football in their country, but that is simply how it is: when giants clash, it is the little people who get trampled. Cristiano Ronaldo will be the last great thing Portugal produces in football.